Family routines when everyone has different needs: finding what works for your family

For families with children who have different needs, routines aren’t always going to look the same for everyone – and they don’t have to.

One child might need to know exactly what’s happening that day before they get dressed. Another might struggle with the texture of their school uniform. Someone else might need more time to move through their morning, communicate what they want for breakfast or switch from one activity to the next.

The aim is to find what works for your family, rather than create the perfect routine, that is impossible to maintain.

Start with the part that isn’t working

When mornings regularly end in tears, dinner becomes stressful or bedtime seems to take forever, it’s easy to focus on the behaviour you can see.

Sometimes it’s more helpful to take a step back and ask what’s making that particular part of the day hard.

If getting dressed is the sticking point, for example, is the child refusing to get dressed – or are certain clothes uncomfortable? Is getting ready difficult because there are too many instructions at once? Could they be worried about going to school? Do they need more warning before stopping one activity and beginning another?

There isn’t always an obvious answer. But looking at what’s happening before, during and after a tricky part of the day can help you start to spot patterns.

It’s OK if everyone does things differently

Fair doesn’t always mean everyone doing exactly the same thing.

Perhaps one child eats dinner with the family while another prefers a quieter environment. One might need warnings before bedtime while their sibling is happy to stop what they’re doing and head straight to bed.

Those differences can sometimes be confusing for brothers and sisters.

“Why does she get more time?”

“Why doesn’t he have to do that?”

“How come their bedtime is different?”

These are understandable questions.

Talking openly about the fact that everyone needs different things can help. Australian guidance on supporting siblings of autistic children similarly recommends acknowledging siblings’ feelings, helping them understand autism and establishing fair family roles and responsibilities.

You don’t necessarily need to make every rule or routine identical to make it fair.

Small changes can make a big difference

You don’t always need to reinvent your entire day.

Sometimes adjusting one part of a routine is enough to make things easier.

Maybe mornings aren’t the best time to choose clothes, so you do it the night before. Perhaps someone needs a little more warning before it’s time to leave the house. Breaking one big instruction into smaller steps could be easier to follow.

The environment matters too. Noise, lighting, clothing, food, crowds and competing conversations can all shape someone’s experience of an everyday activity.

And routines aren’t set in stone. What worked six months ago might not work now. Children grow, skills develop and family circumstances change. It’s completely reasonable for your routines to change with them.

What if you’re not sure what’s making things difficult?

This is where looking at the situation from more than one perspective can be useful.

A morning routine might look like one problem on the surface, but there could be several things going on underneath it.

For example, an Occupational Therapist may be able to look at everyday activities such as dressing, personal care and routines, as well as sensory, cognitive and motor needs and a person’s independence at home or in the community.

A Speech Pathologist may help where communication is part of the picture – whether that’s understanding instructions, expressing choices and needs, using AAC or navigating mealtimes.

If distress or behaviours of concern regularly occur around a routine, a Positive Behaviour Support Practitioner can work to understand what may be contributing to the behaviour and develop practical strategies that support communication, emotional regulation, safety and participation.

There may be other pieces of the puzzle too. Psychology can support areas including emotional regulation, anxiety and challenging life experiences, while Physiotherapy and Social Work can bring different perspectives where physical, social or broader family needs are involved.

That’s also why a multidisciplinary approach can be useful. The issue isn’t always simply “the morning routine” or “bedtime”. Understanding what’s making that routine difficult for the individual is often a much better place to start.

Finding your family’s version of normal

It’s easy to compare family life with what everyone else seems to be doing.

But if your morning takes a little longer, your child needs to eat dinner somewhere quieter or your family’s bedtime routine looks completely different to someone else’s, that’s OK.

A routine is there to make everyday life work better for your family. Your family shouldn’t have to fit around the routine.

So when something regularly isn’t working, instead of asking:

“How do we get everyone to follow the routine?”

try asking:

“What is making this hard, and what could make it easier?”

Sometimes the answer might be a surprisingly small change. At other times, it might help to get another perspective.

LiveBig brings together Occupational Therapy, Speech Pathology, Psychology, Positive Behaviour Support, Physiotherapy and Social Work, with support tailored to people’s individual goals and circumstances.

If everyday routines are getting in the way of someone’s independence, participation or wellbeing, talk to LiveBig about what support could work for you and your family.